"I'm fine!" And other lies

I've been thinking about writing this blog all day. I've been out and about so hadn't had time to actually put any words down until now, but I've been thinking about it all day. Would I write it? Wouldn't I? Go it go into the detail I originally thought or would I chicken out? All these questions have gone through my head, as well as the underlining thought that surprisingly, I'm OK.

Today is R U OK day. It's suicide prevention day. The day where you're urged to ask the people around you, "Are You OK?" ;the most common answer I give is "I'm fine!" I can't speak for everyone and if you're not fine I urge you to speak up, but I can tell you the reasons why I answer "I'm fine" 

1.     I'm Fine (I'm really not) - In my opinion, whatever things I'm going through are probably not a big enough deal to burden you with. I know this is crap because of all my friends who ask if I'm OK, there wouldn't be many who aren't interested and looking to help if they can. But I consider myself the looker-after-er of all my people. I'm the one who holds i times. However I have never, ever considered it a viable option though. To end my suffering maybe, but there's more than just me at stake here. Who would look after my kids/how would Patrick cope as a single parent? Who would make sure the mortgage was paid on time or remember family birthdays? I'm clearly needed here and that's why it's not a option for me.

But I do get depressed. And I'm sure I'm not alone when asked 'R U OK?' the most common answer I give is "I'm fine!" I can't speak for everyone and if you're not fine I urge you to speak up, but I can tell you the reasons why I answer "I'm fine" 

1.     I'm Fine (I'm really not) - In my opinion, whatever things I'm going through are probably not a big enough deal to burden you with. I know this is crap because of all my friends who ask if I'm OK, there wouldn't be many who aren't interested and looking to help if they can. But I consider myself the looker-after-er of all my people. I'm the one who holds it together when times are tough. I'm sensible and practical and cool in a crisis. I ask people if they are OK. I should be able to handle anything.

2.     I'm Fine (You know I'm not) - Said most often to Patrick when very clearly I am NOT fine. It's the fine that you know somethings up but you shouldn't stick around to find out because honestly you should already know what you've done wrong and should hurry off to fix it. Now!

3.     I'm Fine (I'm totally am) - This is the fine I feel today. I'm thankful that there are things that I'm worried and stressing about at the moment, but overall, I'm OK. I'm never going to be able to handle everything. Pregnancy and motherhood taught me that. But I'm doing OK. My family are happy, we're fed, healthy, housed, dressed and surrounded by people who love us. Things could be a lot worse.

I hope you're OK today and most days. And if you're not, reach out to someone and let them know.

I think Lily (aged 3) summed up my day the nicest:

Me: Hey Lily are you OK?

Lily: Yep

Me: Are you sure?

Lily: Yes! I'll tell you if I'm not!

Please do Lily. Anytime.